Four Days of Fright! Day 3

Oh boy, looks like today's update slipped my mind somewhat.  Hm, time to make up for it with something spectacularly halloween-themed and spooky!

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My mind appears to be drawing a blank, a scary blank!


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Oh fine here's your update, whiners.

OOGA BOOGA WOOGA!!  Scared? You better be. This is your update.

Four Days of Fright! Day 2

Today's Update: "Ghost Story"

For today's Halloween-themed treat, I thought I'd share with you all a very special story my dear mother used to read to me every night before tucking me into my walrus-skin bed. In retrospect it was a rather creepy story so I find it's fitting for this fright-filled update. 

Try to imagine reading this in a croaky, almost dust-filled throat voice to complete the experience I had as a small, mustached child.

A family of three, lost at sea, a mother a father and son.

Three tummies all  hollow, as sea creatures follow, a boat with no room for fun.

Little boy brat did nothing but sat, as mother and father worked all day long.

Brat falls asleep, as ma and pa creep, tummies sing out a sorrowful song.

A family of two lost at sea, a mother a father and empty seat.

Boys and Gals, be good to your parents, or else you'll be yummy red meat.

Oddly enough, this was the picture used to depict the father.  Sad thing is, he actually looked like that.

Nique's Four Days of Fright! Day 1

So it would appear that recently, the month has been October.  The end of October to be exact, where certain demon-related holidays are usually celebrated.  Seeing as how I have only four days until the infamous "Halloween" holiday has passed, I decided I may as well spend those 4 days doing something Halloween related on this blog.  Thus, I give you "Nique's Four Days of Fright!"

Yes that's right folks, as the Jack-o-lantern theme may have implied,  I am going to spend the next 4 days talking about Halloween things!  Every day this week, I will have a new update regarding tricks, treats, masks, cats, and whatever else I can think of!  Today's update: "Evil Cats"


As the Halloween season comes rolling by, you may be wondering why there are so many images of cats around.   This is mostly due to the age-old belief that witches took the form of black cats when out causing mischief.  This is, of course, completely false.  The actual case is that cats are nothing less than Demons from Hell sent by some devilish man to harvest the souls of the living, and to take up all the space on our couch cushions.

Let's go over this convenient diagram of a normal, everyday house cat shall we?

Normal enough looking skeleton, standard catlike pose, nothing out of the ordinary right?  Wrong..
The key lies within the structure, I have taken the liberty of tastefully rearranging some of the diagram cat's skeletal parts, and what does it turn into?

Bingo! What's this?  Our ordinary house cat just so happens to share an extremely similar skeletal structure to that of this hell demon??  Most would call this type of evidence speculation, but since this is my blog, and my site:  This is stone hard evidence right here!  As if it weren't obvious enough:  Here's a list of some other reasons why cats are most likely demons:

1. They attempt to claw into your skull while you sleep, probably to feast on your brains.
2. They meow and meow until you give them food, and then meow some more.
3. They carve satanic symbols into your couch cushions, window curtains, and face.
4. They make loud hissing noises whenever you try to pull their tail.
5. "Feline" backwards spells "Enilef" which is most likely the name of some ancient evil or something.

So yes, in conclusion, cats are most definitely Satan-spawned hell creatures.  But how do we stop this madness?  Quite simply, we don't.  Cats, as devious as they are, have developed a psychological barrier no living soul on this earth can ever penetrate:  Pure evil adorable faces.

Awwwww who's an adorable little Hellspawn?  You are!  You are!

Champions are made of Copper

Not sure what today's title is supposed to mean, considering the trophy I won is actually made of gold, not copper.  Nonetheless, I DID win a trophy this weekend!

 Ah yes, and not just any trophy either, I won the International Manly Man of the Year trophy!  The most prestigious, grueling, and most fabulous honor a man can ever be awarded! 

This year's contest was decidedly held on the top of Mount Everest, as the harsh winds and temperatures immediately whittled down the competition to me and two other manly men: Gnarl the Viking Warrior, and Dewey the Redneck Trucker.

Every year the competitors must face three challenges, and the winner is determined by the manliest of the bunch. who is usually just the one man who survives all three challenges.

The first of these challenges is the STRENGTH test.  Each competitor is required to lift an armored elephant over their heads, and remain still as the judge passes them by with a quail feather, tickling them with it's feathery tip as he sings a merry verse of "I've been working on the railroad".  After the round began, and I lifted the elephant above my head quite eagerly, I noticed that Gnarl's elephant had apparently not been feeling well, and was starting to make disturbingly deep gurgling noises as he was being lifted above the viking's head.  I took advantage of this, and started waving my elephant around in front of his, causing the beast to become rather disoriented.

When the judge came around with the quail feather, it took but on tickle before Gnarl's elephant couldn't take it anymore and let out a mighty belch.  The sound threw Gnarl off, quite literally, as he lost his balance, and went tumbling down the mountain's side.  Now it was just me and Dewey.

The second challenge was the SPEED test.  In this round, each competitor would attempt to outrun a flaming Ostrich while nuclear missiles were being dropped from above.  This round proved relatively simple for me, as I was able to not only outrun my Ostrich, but also pick it up and use it to smack one of the incoming missiles into Dewey's pudgy face, sending him hurling into oblivion.

The third challenge would normally be the SAUSAGE test, in which the remaining competitors would shove as much animal meat down their pie-holes as possible before exploding from over-filling in meats, but seeing as how I was the only remaining competitor, it was deemed rather pointless.  Of course I never  deny an opportunity for a good challenge, so after taking my well-deserved trophy, I shoved a whole cow down his throat just to show him what a good sport I was.


It was a good year for men this year, and I'm already eager to sign up for next year's contest, which I hear is going to be held in the Bermuda Triangle!  Cheers everyone and feel free to congratulate me, I'll be signing autographs next Tuesday at the Meat Stand!

Oops

Well it has come to my attention that my marble interrogation room was mistakenly used to hold hostage a local pizza delivery boy, who was quite shaken by the whole incident.  Well I assure you good people of the internet, that once realizing my mistake, and after reading his rather exaggerated post on this very blog, he was compensated wholeheartedly with a 50 dollar tip.  Although personally, he could have been a little more grateful for the tip, his thanks to me was grumbled under various curse words and phrases that would have hurt my feelings had I not been such an understanding and manly gentleman.


Well it's Friday now, so it looks like I'll have to start packing for my weekend adventures into lands unknown!  Well, mostly unknown anyway, I mean even an action hero needs to stop by Orlando beach every now and then to kick his socks off and roast his swollen feet in the evening sun, watching as the many swimmer ladies admire my form with those wild eyes of theirs.

In other words, catch you all later people!  I'll be back Monday to tell you all about my many adventures and relaxations! 

Gazing at the sunset with your arm around a woman is wondrous....even if the woman doesn't know who you are..

SOS!!

This is not Nique Liveshitz, this is Henry Bollocks.  Nique left to go shopping for hats or something, and I took this opportunity to get on his blog to let everyone know that NIQUE IS INSANE!  I'm currently fasstened to a giant chair, rendering my arms uselesss.  I have resssorted to typing this disstresss message with my toesssssssssssss,  Damn ssticky key! Theresss a ssalad stuck in it! Let me sssee if I can get it.
ssssssssssaassssssssss ssssssa ssssssssss sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Ah there we go!

I arrived at Liveshitz Manor when delivering a pizza to the Liveshitz guy.  After taking my pizza, he claimed he had simply no cash no him, and would it be ok if I pay him later.  I told him no and called BS, referring to his hat, suit, and MASSIVE MANSION.  He told me he was gong to retrieve his checkbook, and left momentarily.  When he returned, he was holding what appeared to be a large phonebook with a massive green checkmark hastily painted onto it's cover. 

Before I could ask him what it was, he smacked me across the noggin and exclaimed something along the lines of "Looks like this check just BOUNCED!".  He said some other things as well, but luckily I passed out before getting to hear them.

I woke up and found myself in an empty room, entirely made of marble.  My head hurt and I was still dizzy from the large smack on the head earlier.  When I gathered my thoughts, I then realized that I couldn't move my arms or legs, what with them being tied up to a chair and all.  That crazy mustached man walked in just then, with that freakish pet gorilla walking by his side.  He approached me, and stopped in front of my face, putting his cane down against the marble floor. 

"Tell me, Delivery boy, do you respect women?"

I was puzzled by this statement, and replied with an equally puzzled tone.

"I think so?"

Nique furrowed his brow and slammed the cane against the floor again with an echoed CLANK!

"Tut tut tut little delivery boy.  Tut tut tut.  You say you respect women?  Bah!  I spit on your nonsense! "  He started hocking something big in the back of his throat, but luckily he accidentally swallowed it before continuing on, somewhat embarrassed.

"You know how I know you don't respect women?  Because you don't respect yourself boy!  Look at that greasy hair, those clammy palms, that hideous facial expression of constant confusion!"

This was getting weird, so I decided to just ask him bluntly about what the hell was going on.

"Did you kidnap me for the pizza or because you saw my hair was greasy?"

His facial expression turned from anger to dumbfounded as he pondered the question.

"Hm.  I don't quite know actually, I'll get back to you on that."

And with that, he left me in that marble room, slamming the door on his way out, leaving me in isolation.  For days I've been scooting this chair closer and closer to the exit, and only now do I have a single strand of hope about me.

He'll be back soon, so I'll wrap this up.  PLEASE COME AND SAVE ME FROM THIS FANCY DRESSED MORON! PLEASE!!

-Henry Bollocks

Viva La Revolution!

This Wednesday has been rather lifeless for the most part.  Me and my pet Gorilla Gordo acted as fat sloths today as we sat on our expensive, yet not too comfy, marble couch.  Watching television has always been a favorite hobby of mine, along with arranging gladiator fights between gangs of angry mothers.

Anyway, Gordo was quite insistent on watching the Discovery Channel, who were showing a documentary on the reproductive habits of apes in the wild, (Not bloody likely I'm sitting through that again) and so he kept trying to wrestle the remote control out of my hands.  Eventually our tussle over the thing caused it to go flying out the window and plop directly into the many leftover meats I was unable to sell a few days ago.

Seeing that it would be near impossible to retrieve it from the hive of parasitic worms that were currently building a 50's esque neighborhood in the meat, I decided to design and build my own revolutionary remote controller!

I call it: The Revolutionary Remote Controller 2000!

Here are it's many useful features:

1. Fold in/Fold out Switchblade used to slice off the fingers of anyone who attempts to take your control.

2. Pause, Play, and Stop Buttons used to Pause, Play, and Stop whatever your watching.

3. Thumb rest.  For those tiresome, channel flipping days.

4. Folded Switchblade

5. MEGA REWIND and FAST-FORWARD

6. Boring old regular rewind and fast-forward.

7. Volume and Channel control for wheel.

8. Comfy pads for those aching man hands.


 Continued Over There...<<

9. Volume/Channel Control Wheel, for speedy flipping! 

10. Detachable bottom for Garbage Disposal


11. Garbage Disposal Hole for grinding up those candy wrappers! Caution: Fingers may be mistaken for wrappers.

12. Finally, the power button!  Located at the very bottom due to its rare use.

I Slayed the Politics Monster!

Yes, it's true.  I have done the impossible, I have successfully and brutally slain the Politics Monster.

For those of you unaware, it's a little known fact that every political opinion, argument, or system of government that has ever existed, did not in fact come from man's mind.  Every political based question or belief is rooted in the putrid droppings of the Politics Monster.  This beast has roamed the Earth for centuries, leaving his controversy-filed feces all over the lands of man, corrupting and influencing all those who dared touch it.  The beast crapped his Communism in Russia, his Democracy in America, and his Dictatorship in an awful lot of other places.  Now, we need not fear politics anymore, for I have slain this beast.

It was no simple task mind you, countless hours of the battle were spent counter-arguing the Beast's theories on Creationism being taught in public schools, and many more hours spent deflecting his outrageous claims on abortion!  Soon after my counter-argument, the beast's hostile opinions began to subside somewhat, so I took this rare opportunity to bash his head in with a racially diverse group of orphan children!! 

You don't have to thank me, you just have to tell me what a marvelous person I am.

Bags of Meat

Today as I was carrying out my overly-filled, now bleeding garbage bag, I noticed a dog following me.  Now normally I don't care much for dogs, and tell them to bugger off, but this dog seemed to be very interested in what was inside my juicy, pulsating stretchable bag, licking away at the red juices dripping from it.

I took notice of this, and plopped the bag down on the floor to see what it was this canine was so terribly interested in.  My friends, I must say, that was one of the best finds of my life.  The bag in question, was filled to the brim with old bloody meats!  All kinds of meats!  Meats galore!  I jumped for joy like a farmer with black gold, and ran back into the house, kicking the dog out of my way and slamming the door in it's face.  (Don't worry folks, it's ok, it was just a Chihuahua)

So what I'm getting at is.....


NIQUE'S FINE MEAT STAND IS OFFICIALLY OPEN!

You want QUALITY?

You want TASTE?*

You want LEGALLY INSANE LOW PRICES??

You want....


NIQUE'S FINE MEAT! Come on by Liveshitz Manor and BUY BUY BUY!





*Disclaimer: taste does not imply tasty.

Mother Betty: Part 2

Read Part One if you haven't Already!  CLICKY HERE!

When we last left our fashionable hero Nique Liveshitz (Me), he was being pampered by orphan children when he was interrupted by the carnage of a giant pink tank titled "The Betty Boomer" piloted by the evil housewife, "Mother Betty".  Mother Betty sought to end womenfolk's rights, reducing all women to her image of a cooking, cleaning, female stereotype.  Our hero, after dazzling a group of young ladies with his wily charms, darted off to take care of this curly haired maid of evil....

Now to continue my story!

I stood watch on top of a nearby stop sign, on a street directly ahead of Betty's path of destruction. My manly pose not hindered by the likes of gravity.  The nearby birds must have been rather impressed with my amazing balancing abilities, as they flew off quickly to tell all their birdie friends about me.  Coincidentally, The Betty Boomer was also rolling down the street violently towards me during this time.

I held my hand up in a fierce gesture, and the other hand pointing down to the stop sign for extra effect.

"Stop right there Miss Betty!" I shouted in a brave and heroic tone.

The pink tank suddenly rolled to a stop, mere yards in front of me and my stop sign.  Her loyal followers of testosterone-filled thugs looked puzzled and stopped with her.  One follower, a construction worker of some sort, had an expression of disappointment on his face as his buddies told him to stop clubbing the fire hydrant and pay attention.

"Good!  Now that I have your attention, let me monologue for a bit about what it takes to be a woman.  You see, women are not just-"  BLAM!

My monologue was rudely interrupted as The Betty Boomer blew me into the nearest wall, reducing it into little else but a sandbox for kids who love debris.  The tank rolled on and the hooting and cheering once again continued.

"A real man is the working man!"  Betty shouted into her megaphone, causing an uproar in excitement from her followers.

I dug my way out of the debris play-pit, and rolled up my sleeves as I stomped towards the crowd, grabbing the now-smashed stop sign off the ground and bending it into a rather lovely makeshift mace.


"Alright then.." I muttered very dramatically. "We'll play it your way Miss Betty.."

I approached one of the construction workers and tapped him on the shoulder for comic effect, as the moment he turned to respond I smacked him with the sign so hard he flew back and knocked over several other workers in the process.

"Home Run!" I exclaimed, enjoying the pleasures of my own brilliant wit.

"That's not even a good sport reference!" Shouted a plumber as he came at me with a bit of pipe. I swung my stop sign again and was able to knock him into the broken window of a pet store, resulting in a lot of barking and hissing.
      The other workers soon followed, each coming at me with their own respective blunt weapon, making me wonder if anyone in this town had something that actually shoots bullets.

After clearing out the crowd of workers, and thus also badly denting my makeshift weapon, I was proven wrong about my idea of no one having a gun, as the tank's barrel was now pointed directly at me.

Betty opened the tank's hatch and poked her head out at me.  This was the first time I realized she had a marvelously repulsive looking face.  I mean I knew she was ugly, but I didn't imagine that would mean her face would look like a botched order of eggs, sunny-side down.  She scowled at me quite evil-like and spoke into her megaphone, despite me being a few feet away.

"Who are you?  Identify yourself at once, mustached male!" I could swear her saliva was being funneled through that megaphone.

"Nique Liveshitz is the name madame, a pure bred gentleman is who I am."

Her scowl turned to confusion for a moment, and then back to scowling.

"And why are you trying to stop me?  I am what every man wants!  I cook, I clean, I take sexist jokes about my breasts lightheartedly! I am only trying to make this world a better place for men!  Women don't belong in business!  Women belong in the kitchen!  Can't you see my vision?"  Her voice grew more tender as she spoke.

I smiled and chuckled like a schoolboy hearing his first fart joke. "Let me ask you Betty-"

"MOTHER Betty!"

"Pardon me- Mother Betty.....what did you want to be as a child?"

Betty first growled at me for asking such a bizarre question, but then began to tear up as she pondered the thought.  (By the way for you folks reading this, this is the part where I warm her up before going in for the kill, sneaky huh?)

"I...I always wanted to be an astronaut..."  Betty sniffled.  "But...Mother always told me that...that.."

Before she could finish her sentence I gave her a wallop with a nice sturdy block of concrete I had picked up during her monologue and sent her flying into the sky.  She was most likely unconscious at this point, or too far away to hear me, but still I decided it would be fitting to shout this out.

"Congratulations! Now you'll be the first woman on mars!"

Yeah I know, I'm quite the gentleman.  

FIN~

Devious Villains: Mother Betty

Another day, another fit of "Rummage Fever".  Once again I found myself rummaging through my old memory box today, where all my trinkets and gizmos from past adventures lie in the dust.  Pushing aside the cold frozen heart I had once yanked from the demonic bowels of the Frost Troll, I came across this old propaganda poster featuring one of my arch-nemesis', "Mother Betty".

I never really figured out exactly why she insisted on being called "Mother".  I mean, she didn't have any kids of her own or anything, unless you counted her stuffed cat "DeeWee".  Gugghh....That thing always had this creepy, ominous glare, like it was staring into the darkest pits of your soul..

Hm, I seem to be getting off track here, back to my story!  Mother Betty as I recall, first stepped into the public eye the day she stormed the town with her massive metallic "Betty Boomer", a large rusted military tank with a fresh coat of pink paint over it.  I'm still not entirely sure how she got the tank, or where she got all the pink paint, I assume she must have rented it out from our convenient weapons shop owner down the street. Anyway, so as Betty was rolling through the streets, her curly pink hair peaking out of the shuttle like a curious prairie dog, she was also shouting loudly into a microphone. 

"Women's rights are overrated!  Stop trying to be more than what you are!  We are women and we should NOT fight our natural place as housewives and cooking mothers!" 

There was a lot of hostility in the air as she was passing by groups of feminists, and a lot of hooting and cheering when she passed by the construction workers, who then began to follow The Betty Boomer down the street, causing a stream of riots throughout the working men in the city.

"The apron is our uniform!"  Betty shouted as she rolled over and crushed a parked car.

During the chaos I was busily reading the days' paper, leaned back on a cushy chair, and listening to the frantic squeaking sound of both of my shoes getting shined at once, by two different orphans.  The soothing sound of child labor was soon drowned out by the large mob of men following what looked like a somewhat unattractive woman in a pink tank with a very large mouth.  I thought nothing of it at first, assuming it as some sort of bizzare festival of some sort, until my Gentleman senses kicked in and I heard the frantic cry of a young woman!

I kicked off the orphans and straightened my bow tie as I headed for the call of distress.  I came across a ruined, crushed street, with a large mob of woman grouped around in the middle speaking.  I decided to investigate and I snuck my way into the conversation seamlessly.

"Who is this Betty Woman?" A young lady said in an angry tone.

"She's a self-hating sexist!" Said another.

"Shopping, Clothes, Tom Cruise!" I said in my high toned womanly voice.

I was suddenly seiged by many woman eyes, as they all shifted to look at me.  I twirled my mustache proudly and stood tall.

"Hello ladies, my name is Nique Liveshitz.  Gentleman by nature, Crime fighter by impulse, I couldn't help but notice you all seem to be terribly bothered by the lady in the tank over there."

They all exchanged confused glances and looked back at me. "We are BOTHERED because that so-called woman not only ruined our Woman Pride Parade, but also she is spreading terrible messages to the men in this town about woman not needing rights!  She's trying to turn the men against us!"

I gargled and spit on the floor as I finished brushing my teeth, and shot the ladies a handsomely white smile.

"Ladies, it is my duty to as a gentleman to protect the gals and their rights, I will see to it that this lass is dealt with, and then I will purchase valuable rings for all of you!"  With those words I hitched up my pants and sped off to face the pink sexist menace!



THIS EXCITING BLOG ADVENTURE TO BE CONTINUED!

Monday Movie Milkshake!

Well actually it's a review, but the title was far more catchy when it contained three M's.  This Monday was rather uneventful for me,  just the usual routine really.  Wake up, wrestle pet Gorilla, brush teeth, fend off vampire hordes, eat breakfast, inform a group of preschoolers that Santa doesn't exist, blah blah blah blah.

So instead of today's update being about something boring like my day, instead I decided it's about time I revisit my old hobby of driving creative things into the ground using words instead of fists!  The tears of wannabe artists never fails to satisfy me..

So I present to you...

MARVELOUS MOVIES WITH NIQUE LIVESHITZ 

Before we begin with the review, first let me explain how my own personal ratings system works, as I don't believe in using stars or thumbs to represent how wonderful or terrible a movie is.

I judge movies based on the following categories:

Jolliness: This is how FUN the film was to watch, regardless of things like plot or acting.

 Artsy/Fartsy: This is how much the film made me think, or alternatively, puke.

Nitty Picky: This is how good all that other crap is, like acting, writing, editing, blah blah blah.

Couch Spuds: Finally, in this section I will tell you what sort of people will enjoy this film. Expect lots of generalizations folks!

Now that that's settled, let's get started.  The movie I will be reviewing for your pleasures today is....

Oh bloody hell I forgot.

Not Much to Say Today So...

Just enjoy this stylish portrait of me in front of some hip and modern paint splotches! 

The "NL" stands for "Nique Liveshitz" in case you were confused.

Adventures in JollyWood

Oh?  What's that you say?  You say that there is no such place as JollyWood?  I DENY your doubt young doubter! The famed "HollyWood" that you modern folk seem to all be so fond of, wasn't always called that.  As a matter of fact, it wasn't even in the same place!  Nope, the hill that those over-sized letters occupy was MOVED to California after the downfall of the previous city, JollyWood.

Rare Photo of the Original Sign

Ah yes I remember JollyWood, the ruined island of all my childhood memories. I as born there after all, when my parents were using the island as a refuge from some sort of government agent or something of the like. JollyWood was the place to be if you wanted adventure, excitement and danger.  After sneaking your way through the front gates, and past the mechanical guards, JollyWood was yours to explore!  I remember battling my way through armies of mutant lion creatures, radiated butlers, and when I was just 7 years of age, slicing off the head of a slimy mutant pig we named Trogg! I still keep it's snout-nosed head in my study as memorabilia.  JollyWood wasn't all fun and games though. Despite the fun of all the creatures, mutants, and questionable experiments, there was one group of evil beings that were simply too powerful to overcome... Producers.

The Producers were unlike any villains I've ever come across before.  They didn't rely on stealth, strength, or brains to unleash their devious plans, they relied...on money.  I could mow down armies of creatures without breaking a sweat, but the power of the dollar bill was something I could not overcome.  Soon the Producers spread their dastardly influence throughout JollyWood, transforming the once simple inhabitants into money-grubbing actors, designers, and teamsters.. I gazed in horror as before my eyes all of the robots, mutants and pig-men were consumed by the green papery virus.

Eventually I escaped JollyWood, but JollyWood would never be the same.  What used to be a place of adventure, danger, and my childhood dreams, was now a place of creativity and money-making businesses.  Those Producers finally took JollyWood with them into the land of money, and as a last sick gesture, changed its name to "HollyWood" after the vile Producer who first led her titanic army into the land..."Miss Holly".

Miss Holly will pay dearly for her corruption of my childhood home, she will pay through her nasal nostrils!  I will get my revenge, or my name isn't Nique Liveshitz!!

Apologies for my sudden fit of rage, but as you can tell, this place meant a lot to me.