Bags of Meat

Today as I was carrying out my overly-filled, now bleeding garbage bag, I noticed a dog following me.  Now normally I don't care much for dogs, and tell them to bugger off, but this dog seemed to be very interested in what was inside my juicy, pulsating stretchable bag, licking away at the red juices dripping from it.

I took notice of this, and plopped the bag down on the floor to see what it was this canine was so terribly interested in.  My friends, I must say, that was one of the best finds of my life.  The bag in question, was filled to the brim with old bloody meats!  All kinds of meats!  Meats galore!  I jumped for joy like a farmer with black gold, and ran back into the house, kicking the dog out of my way and slamming the door in it's face.  (Don't worry folks, it's ok, it was just a Chihuahua)

So what I'm getting at is.....


NIQUE'S FINE MEAT STAND IS OFFICIALLY OPEN!

You want QUALITY?

You want TASTE?*

You want LEGALLY INSANE LOW PRICES??

You want....


NIQUE'S FINE MEAT! Come on by Liveshitz Manor and BUY BUY BUY!





*Disclaimer: taste does not imply tasty.

Mother Betty: Part 2

Read Part One if you haven't Already!  CLICKY HERE!

When we last left our fashionable hero Nique Liveshitz (Me), he was being pampered by orphan children when he was interrupted by the carnage of a giant pink tank titled "The Betty Boomer" piloted by the evil housewife, "Mother Betty".  Mother Betty sought to end womenfolk's rights, reducing all women to her image of a cooking, cleaning, female stereotype.  Our hero, after dazzling a group of young ladies with his wily charms, darted off to take care of this curly haired maid of evil....

Now to continue my story!

I stood watch on top of a nearby stop sign, on a street directly ahead of Betty's path of destruction. My manly pose not hindered by the likes of gravity.  The nearby birds must have been rather impressed with my amazing balancing abilities, as they flew off quickly to tell all their birdie friends about me.  Coincidentally, The Betty Boomer was also rolling down the street violently towards me during this time.

I held my hand up in a fierce gesture, and the other hand pointing down to the stop sign for extra effect.

"Stop right there Miss Betty!" I shouted in a brave and heroic tone.

The pink tank suddenly rolled to a stop, mere yards in front of me and my stop sign.  Her loyal followers of testosterone-filled thugs looked puzzled and stopped with her.  One follower, a construction worker of some sort, had an expression of disappointment on his face as his buddies told him to stop clubbing the fire hydrant and pay attention.

"Good!  Now that I have your attention, let me monologue for a bit about what it takes to be a woman.  You see, women are not just-"  BLAM!

My monologue was rudely interrupted as The Betty Boomer blew me into the nearest wall, reducing it into little else but a sandbox for kids who love debris.  The tank rolled on and the hooting and cheering once again continued.

"A real man is the working man!"  Betty shouted into her megaphone, causing an uproar in excitement from her followers.

I dug my way out of the debris play-pit, and rolled up my sleeves as I stomped towards the crowd, grabbing the now-smashed stop sign off the ground and bending it into a rather lovely makeshift mace.


"Alright then.." I muttered very dramatically. "We'll play it your way Miss Betty.."

I approached one of the construction workers and tapped him on the shoulder for comic effect, as the moment he turned to respond I smacked him with the sign so hard he flew back and knocked over several other workers in the process.

"Home Run!" I exclaimed, enjoying the pleasures of my own brilliant wit.

"That's not even a good sport reference!" Shouted a plumber as he came at me with a bit of pipe. I swung my stop sign again and was able to knock him into the broken window of a pet store, resulting in a lot of barking and hissing.
      The other workers soon followed, each coming at me with their own respective blunt weapon, making me wonder if anyone in this town had something that actually shoots bullets.

After clearing out the crowd of workers, and thus also badly denting my makeshift weapon, I was proven wrong about my idea of no one having a gun, as the tank's barrel was now pointed directly at me.

Betty opened the tank's hatch and poked her head out at me.  This was the first time I realized she had a marvelously repulsive looking face.  I mean I knew she was ugly, but I didn't imagine that would mean her face would look like a botched order of eggs, sunny-side down.  She scowled at me quite evil-like and spoke into her megaphone, despite me being a few feet away.

"Who are you?  Identify yourself at once, mustached male!" I could swear her saliva was being funneled through that megaphone.

"Nique Liveshitz is the name madame, a pure bred gentleman is who I am."

Her scowl turned to confusion for a moment, and then back to scowling.

"And why are you trying to stop me?  I am what every man wants!  I cook, I clean, I take sexist jokes about my breasts lightheartedly! I am only trying to make this world a better place for men!  Women don't belong in business!  Women belong in the kitchen!  Can't you see my vision?"  Her voice grew more tender as she spoke.

I smiled and chuckled like a schoolboy hearing his first fart joke. "Let me ask you Betty-"

"MOTHER Betty!"

"Pardon me- Mother Betty.....what did you want to be as a child?"

Betty first growled at me for asking such a bizarre question, but then began to tear up as she pondered the thought.  (By the way for you folks reading this, this is the part where I warm her up before going in for the kill, sneaky huh?)

"I...I always wanted to be an astronaut..."  Betty sniffled.  "But...Mother always told me that...that.."

Before she could finish her sentence I gave her a wallop with a nice sturdy block of concrete I had picked up during her monologue and sent her flying into the sky.  She was most likely unconscious at this point, or too far away to hear me, but still I decided it would be fitting to shout this out.

"Congratulations! Now you'll be the first woman on mars!"

Yeah I know, I'm quite the gentleman.  

FIN~

Devious Villains: Mother Betty

Another day, another fit of "Rummage Fever".  Once again I found myself rummaging through my old memory box today, where all my trinkets and gizmos from past adventures lie in the dust.  Pushing aside the cold frozen heart I had once yanked from the demonic bowels of the Frost Troll, I came across this old propaganda poster featuring one of my arch-nemesis', "Mother Betty".

I never really figured out exactly why she insisted on being called "Mother".  I mean, she didn't have any kids of her own or anything, unless you counted her stuffed cat "DeeWee".  Gugghh....That thing always had this creepy, ominous glare, like it was staring into the darkest pits of your soul..

Hm, I seem to be getting off track here, back to my story!  Mother Betty as I recall, first stepped into the public eye the day she stormed the town with her massive metallic "Betty Boomer", a large rusted military tank with a fresh coat of pink paint over it.  I'm still not entirely sure how she got the tank, or where she got all the pink paint, I assume she must have rented it out from our convenient weapons shop owner down the street. Anyway, so as Betty was rolling through the streets, her curly pink hair peaking out of the shuttle like a curious prairie dog, she was also shouting loudly into a microphone. 

"Women's rights are overrated!  Stop trying to be more than what you are!  We are women and we should NOT fight our natural place as housewives and cooking mothers!" 

There was a lot of hostility in the air as she was passing by groups of feminists, and a lot of hooting and cheering when she passed by the construction workers, who then began to follow The Betty Boomer down the street, causing a stream of riots throughout the working men in the city.

"The apron is our uniform!"  Betty shouted as she rolled over and crushed a parked car.

During the chaos I was busily reading the days' paper, leaned back on a cushy chair, and listening to the frantic squeaking sound of both of my shoes getting shined at once, by two different orphans.  The soothing sound of child labor was soon drowned out by the large mob of men following what looked like a somewhat unattractive woman in a pink tank with a very large mouth.  I thought nothing of it at first, assuming it as some sort of bizzare festival of some sort, until my Gentleman senses kicked in and I heard the frantic cry of a young woman!

I kicked off the orphans and straightened my bow tie as I headed for the call of distress.  I came across a ruined, crushed street, with a large mob of woman grouped around in the middle speaking.  I decided to investigate and I snuck my way into the conversation seamlessly.

"Who is this Betty Woman?" A young lady said in an angry tone.

"She's a self-hating sexist!" Said another.

"Shopping, Clothes, Tom Cruise!" I said in my high toned womanly voice.

I was suddenly seiged by many woman eyes, as they all shifted to look at me.  I twirled my mustache proudly and stood tall.

"Hello ladies, my name is Nique Liveshitz.  Gentleman by nature, Crime fighter by impulse, I couldn't help but notice you all seem to be terribly bothered by the lady in the tank over there."

They all exchanged confused glances and looked back at me. "We are BOTHERED because that so-called woman not only ruined our Woman Pride Parade, but also she is spreading terrible messages to the men in this town about woman not needing rights!  She's trying to turn the men against us!"

I gargled and spit on the floor as I finished brushing my teeth, and shot the ladies a handsomely white smile.

"Ladies, it is my duty to as a gentleman to protect the gals and their rights, I will see to it that this lass is dealt with, and then I will purchase valuable rings for all of you!"  With those words I hitched up my pants and sped off to face the pink sexist menace!



THIS EXCITING BLOG ADVENTURE TO BE CONTINUED!