GroundHog Day Dumper

So apparently today is something of a special occasion in many places, known as "GroundHog's Day".  The holiday in which a rather perplexed rodent is plucked from his home so that he may reveal to the public his apparent weather forecast for the next couple of weeks. 

Now call me old-fashioned, but I do believe this tradition to be extremely bizarre on many different levels.  For one thing, why a groundhog specifically?  I don't recall any biblical passages or scientific discoveries revealing that groundhogs are more gifted at predicting the weather than say, Gophers. 

Not to mention the fact that the groundhog itself doesn't seem too fond of the tradition itself.  I mean, why on earth would he? Imagine waking up one morning in your nice comfy bed.  You slowly get up and begin pouring yourself a nice cup of morning tea, when suddenly you find yourself snatched up by a pudgy mustached giant, and are subjected to the sudden, blinding glare of the sun as you try to come to terms with what's happening.  You avert your eyes away from the sun in response and find your eyes lingering towards the only comforting sight amongst the crowds of mesmerized giants: your shadow.

Suddenly the moment you find yourself peering at it, the fat giant picks you up again and blurts out something about six more weeks of winter to a booing crowd, before finally shoving you back in your home again like nothing ever happened.  Not exactly the best way to start out your day is it?

Having said all that, I must say that even I am humbled by a creature that can sustain such bizarre treatment once every year, and thus I declare "Punxsutawney Phil" the manliest rodent of the century.  I tip my hat to you Phil, and may you continue your morning peacefully.

Cheers!

Peppermints and Wristwatches

You know, I don't know what happened to wristwatches.  They used to make people appear intelligent and classy; The guy who had a wristwatch was the kind of guy you'd fancy being affiliated with.  After all, if he's wise enough to keep the time of day on his wrist, he's probably also wise enough to hold up an intellectual conversation right?

I used to be this guy.  That is, I used to be this guy before wristwatches suddenly vanished from the public eye, in favor of these strange new glowing pocket-watches people are calling "cell-phones".  Why are people taking a step backwards?

Wristwatches were supposed to be a step up from pulling out a small watch out of your pocket whenever you wanted the time, and provided class and convenience on top of it!  So why are we going back to pocket watches?  As the classy wristwatch gentleman I am, I say enough is enough!

That's why in order to bring wristwatches back to the forefront of mainstream culture, I have created a new breed of watches:  The Peppermint Wrist-Watch!

Don't you hate it when you pull out your watch to look at the time, but accidentally bite it when you forget it's not edible? 

Are you tired of constantly having to buy candy whenever you want something tasty and sweet in your mouth?

Do you want to look classy and childish at the same time?

Introducing Nique Liveshitz's original PepperMint Wrist-Watch!!

Buy one today!

So what do you folks think?  Isn't it simply brilliant? As soon as I have the funding for it, this wrist watch will have created the next generation of EDIBLE time-devices!

Cheers!

CyberSPACED: Part 3

If you haven't read part two, CLICKY HERE.

Not long after the nefarious Dr. Zodiac left to reign chaos upon the rest of the internet with his large troll-like minion through the Google vortex, I noticed a strange message engraved into the floor of my prison cell had suddenly appeared. In large, exaggerated letters, it read: "CONGRATULATIONS MR. LIVESHITZ!  YOU'VE JUST BEEN SELECTED TO WIN A FREE IPOD TOUCH! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!"

Not knowing what an "i"Pod was or why I would want to touch it, I curiously placed my virtual-index finger onto the surface of the letters.  A my finger came into contact, an alarmingly loud beep sounded I was once again hurled through cyberspace at an even more nauseating rate than usual. Eventually I plummeted into a large white room filled with various electronics and prizes, with stiff-faced suited men all standing next to the products, donning white-teeth smiles and pockets filled with empty promises.  As I stood up rather awkwardly, trying to retain my balance, one of the men rushed up to me.  Being a salesman of course, he stood so close to me our noses practically shared the same living space as he talked to me.

"Good evening sir!  Would you kindly give me all access to any money you might have so I can send you your FREE iPod Touch?"

A few cyber-minutes later, once I finally brushed off all the salesman blood off my gentlemanly knuckles, I tipped my hat to what remained of the suited fellows, and called upon the Google vortex.

"No time for chit-chat Miss Google Lady, I have some unfinished business to take care of.  Take me to Dr. Zodiac if you please."

This time Google lady simply smiled at me as she sent me flying through the world wide web. Saying but one thing:  "Kick his cyber-arse for me, Mr. Livshitz."

As I flew out of the vortex, I found myself surrounded by chaos, presumably one of Dr. Zodiac's viral lairs of evil, judging by the excessive sound of screaming that drifted through the website's cyber-air.  I looked up at the site's logo to see what sort of madhouse Zodiac had created through his evil.

YouTube:Pure Evil

"YouTube"

Of course, it all made sense now!  Dr. Zodiac wasn't just planning on destroying MY blog, he was planning on destroying ALL HUMAN INTELLIGENCE.  As I looked around me, it all became more and more clear. Everywhere I looked, people were acting like morons.  Films of people's children quoting popular science fiction movies, films of fat people falling, films of various animals donning funny hats, and films of people crying over celebrities!  Dr. Zodiac had gone too far this time.

"Mr. Shitz!"

I looked up as I saw Dr. Zodiac standing atop a tower of morons, looking down at me with hate-filled eyes.

"I see you've managed to escape my lair....No matter, as your already too late!  How do you like my work?  Simply genius isn't it?  By creating a site where ANYONE can be a celebrity by acting like morons, I've successfully drained the internet, and thus the WORLD of all human intelligence! As more people create stupid videos, and as more people are praised for being idiotic, the more my power over all life on earth will increase!"

Dr. Zodiac cackled his turkey cackle as he rose his arms in victory.

"Nothing can stop me now!  YouTube will triumph, and man will fall!"

As the power-crazed Dr. Zodiac laughed on, a sudden surge of Gentlemanly energy hit me like lightning, and I tossed my cyber-hat towards his tower of morons.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!"

As the hat spun like a disc towards Dr. Zodiac's YouTube tower, it smacked into a particularly large fat man, causing him to topple over rather comically.  As the fat man fell, all the other morons soon followed, and Dr. Zodiac began losing his balance.

"Hahahaha haha- What?  No!  My moronic YouTubers! Stop falling!"

My hat spun back around and returned to my head as I gazed upon the toppling moron tower.

"You made one grave mistake Zodiac!  You may be able to turn the world to morons, but you can't control them!"

I lifted my fist high into the air as Dr. Zodiac lost his balance, falling down towards me.

"Cuuuuuurse youuuuuuuuu Shiiiiiitz!"

As he fell, I jumped up and twirled my fist as it suddenly came into contact with his stomach, knocking the cyber-air out of his lungs as I drove the other fist into his smug face, sending him flying into Internet Oblivion: Myspace.

Aftermath:  Soon after Zodiac's reign over YouTube ended, the morons he once ruled over began to grow as a people, and eventually went out and regained their lives.  Zodiac started a blog on Myspace, which no one ever read.  As for me, I was eventually transported back to the real world with the help of my internet-savvy Gorilla Gorgo, after he googled me and found me stranded on Wikipedia.

Thus ends my adventure into the world of the internet, and if things go my way, I hope it's the last.

Cheers!  And Thank you for all those who support and read my blog!  You saved my life folks, whether you know it or not.