GroundHog Day Dumper

So apparently today is something of a special occasion in many places, known as "GroundHog's Day".  The holiday in which a rather perplexed rodent is plucked from his home so that he may reveal to the public his apparent weather forecast for the next couple of weeks. 

Now call me old-fashioned, but I do believe this tradition to be extremely bizarre on many different levels.  For one thing, why a groundhog specifically?  I don't recall any biblical passages or scientific discoveries revealing that groundhogs are more gifted at predicting the weather than say, Gophers. 

Not to mention the fact that the groundhog itself doesn't seem too fond of the tradition itself.  I mean, why on earth would he? Imagine waking up one morning in your nice comfy bed.  You slowly get up and begin pouring yourself a nice cup of morning tea, when suddenly you find yourself snatched up by a pudgy mustached giant, and are subjected to the sudden, blinding glare of the sun as you try to come to terms with what's happening.  You avert your eyes away from the sun in response and find your eyes lingering towards the only comforting sight amongst the crowds of mesmerized giants: your shadow.

Suddenly the moment you find yourself peering at it, the fat giant picks you up again and blurts out something about six more weeks of winter to a booing crowd, before finally shoving you back in your home again like nothing ever happened.  Not exactly the best way to start out your day is it?

Having said all that, I must say that even I am humbled by a creature that can sustain such bizarre treatment once every year, and thus I declare "Punxsutawney Phil" the manliest rodent of the century.  I tip my hat to you Phil, and may you continue your morning peacefully.

Cheers!

Peppermints and Wristwatches

You know, I don't know what happened to wristwatches.  They used to make people appear intelligent and classy; The guy who had a wristwatch was the kind of guy you'd fancy being affiliated with.  After all, if he's wise enough to keep the time of day on his wrist, he's probably also wise enough to hold up an intellectual conversation right?

I used to be this guy.  That is, I used to be this guy before wristwatches suddenly vanished from the public eye, in favor of these strange new glowing pocket-watches people are calling "cell-phones".  Why are people taking a step backwards?

Wristwatches were supposed to be a step up from pulling out a small watch out of your pocket whenever you wanted the time, and provided class and convenience on top of it!  So why are we going back to pocket watches?  As the classy wristwatch gentleman I am, I say enough is enough!

That's why in order to bring wristwatches back to the forefront of mainstream culture, I have created a new breed of watches:  The Peppermint Wrist-Watch!

Don't you hate it when you pull out your watch to look at the time, but accidentally bite it when you forget it's not edible? 

Are you tired of constantly having to buy candy whenever you want something tasty and sweet in your mouth?

Do you want to look classy and childish at the same time?

Introducing Nique Liveshitz's original PepperMint Wrist-Watch!!

Buy one today!

So what do you folks think?  Isn't it simply brilliant? As soon as I have the funding for it, this wrist watch will have created the next generation of EDIBLE time-devices!

Cheers!

CyberSPACED: Part 3

If you haven't read part two, CLICKY HERE.

Not long after the nefarious Dr. Zodiac left to reign chaos upon the rest of the internet with his large troll-like minion through the Google vortex, I noticed a strange message engraved into the floor of my prison cell had suddenly appeared. In large, exaggerated letters, it read: "CONGRATULATIONS MR. LIVESHITZ!  YOU'VE JUST BEEN SELECTED TO WIN A FREE IPOD TOUCH! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!"

Not knowing what an "i"Pod was or why I would want to touch it, I curiously placed my virtual-index finger onto the surface of the letters.  A my finger came into contact, an alarmingly loud beep sounded I was once again hurled through cyberspace at an even more nauseating rate than usual. Eventually I plummeted into a large white room filled with various electronics and prizes, with stiff-faced suited men all standing next to the products, donning white-teeth smiles and pockets filled with empty promises.  As I stood up rather awkwardly, trying to retain my balance, one of the men rushed up to me.  Being a salesman of course, he stood so close to me our noses practically shared the same living space as he talked to me.

"Good evening sir!  Would you kindly give me all access to any money you might have so I can send you your FREE iPod Touch?"

A few cyber-minutes later, once I finally brushed off all the salesman blood off my gentlemanly knuckles, I tipped my hat to what remained of the suited fellows, and called upon the Google vortex.

"No time for chit-chat Miss Google Lady, I have some unfinished business to take care of.  Take me to Dr. Zodiac if you please."

This time Google lady simply smiled at me as she sent me flying through the world wide web. Saying but one thing:  "Kick his cyber-arse for me, Mr. Livshitz."

As I flew out of the vortex, I found myself surrounded by chaos, presumably one of Dr. Zodiac's viral lairs of evil, judging by the excessive sound of screaming that drifted through the website's cyber-air.  I looked up at the site's logo to see what sort of madhouse Zodiac had created through his evil.

YouTube:Pure Evil

"YouTube"

Of course, it all made sense now!  Dr. Zodiac wasn't just planning on destroying MY blog, he was planning on destroying ALL HUMAN INTELLIGENCE.  As I looked around me, it all became more and more clear. Everywhere I looked, people were acting like morons.  Films of people's children quoting popular science fiction movies, films of fat people falling, films of various animals donning funny hats, and films of people crying over celebrities!  Dr. Zodiac had gone too far this time.

"Mr. Shitz!"

I looked up as I saw Dr. Zodiac standing atop a tower of morons, looking down at me with hate-filled eyes.

"I see you've managed to escape my lair....No matter, as your already too late!  How do you like my work?  Simply genius isn't it?  By creating a site where ANYONE can be a celebrity by acting like morons, I've successfully drained the internet, and thus the WORLD of all human intelligence! As more people create stupid videos, and as more people are praised for being idiotic, the more my power over all life on earth will increase!"

Dr. Zodiac cackled his turkey cackle as he rose his arms in victory.

"Nothing can stop me now!  YouTube will triumph, and man will fall!"

As the power-crazed Dr. Zodiac laughed on, a sudden surge of Gentlemanly energy hit me like lightning, and I tossed my cyber-hat towards his tower of morons.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!"

As the hat spun like a disc towards Dr. Zodiac's YouTube tower, it smacked into a particularly large fat man, causing him to topple over rather comically.  As the fat man fell, all the other morons soon followed, and Dr. Zodiac began losing his balance.

"Hahahaha haha- What?  No!  My moronic YouTubers! Stop falling!"

My hat spun back around and returned to my head as I gazed upon the toppling moron tower.

"You made one grave mistake Zodiac!  You may be able to turn the world to morons, but you can't control them!"

I lifted my fist high into the air as Dr. Zodiac lost his balance, falling down towards me.

"Cuuuuuurse youuuuuuuuu Shiiiiiitz!"

As he fell, I jumped up and twirled my fist as it suddenly came into contact with his stomach, knocking the cyber-air out of his lungs as I drove the other fist into his smug face, sending him flying into Internet Oblivion: Myspace.

Aftermath:  Soon after Zodiac's reign over YouTube ended, the morons he once ruled over began to grow as a people, and eventually went out and regained their lives.  Zodiac started a blog on Myspace, which no one ever read.  As for me, I was eventually transported back to the real world with the help of my internet-savvy Gorilla Gorgo, after he googled me and found me stranded on Wikipedia.

Thus ends my adventure into the world of the internet, and if things go my way, I hope it's the last.

Cheers!  And Thank you for all those who support and read my blog!  You saved my life folks, whether you know it or not.

CyberSPACED! Part 2

Welcome to the second part of my delicious three part saga/survival story: CyberSPACED!  In case you missed the first one or for some reason don't remember it from yesterday's post, here is a linky.  Now scamper off and don't come back until you've read it, because I'm certainly not going to be bothered with writing a summary when the real thing is a click away.

       Right then!

After spending a few minutes repeatedly asking the Wiki-People how I can get back to MY home, we stumbled into quite a few barely related topics and wound up in an in-depth discussion regarding religious cults centered around the worship of house pets.

"I myself find it intriguing that these people actually delude themselves into believing it's the dog's benefit to have it dressed up like a fairy princess, you'd think the constant stream of barking and whining would indicate that the dogs aren't fond of playing dress-up."

One of the Wiki-Women opened her mouth to object to my comment, but the sudden appearance of the Google vortex interrupted her as that fine-looking Google Woman stepped out to speak to me.

"Hello again sir, I'm afraid I must interrupt this session to ask you if you would like me to set you up a free emailing account.  Would you like me to set you up a free emailing account?  It's called Gmail!  Isn't that clever?"

It was more or less at this point when I realized once again where I was and where I was originally intending to go.  I straightened my digital bow-tie and tipped my cyber-hat to the lady as I approached her.

"I don't know what an e-mail or G-mail is, but I need to-"

A loud and rather obnoxious buzzing sound suddenly emitted from Google-Lady's mouth, catching me by surprise as I waited for something even more bizarre to happen.  Then it happened.

"You've just been Googled sir!  Please stay still while I connect you to your Googler."

"I sure don't like the sound of that."

As I finished the word, 'that', I found myself suddenly thrusted back into the violent swirling vortex of the internet. As numbers and letters flew past me, I finally flew out of the vortex and smacked my body against the surface of what appeared to be a large orange-tinted glass dome, with a dark green room decorating the interior.  The room inside seemed to be a viewing station of some sort, as many of the inner walls were covered with large televisions and glowing monitors.  As the dizziness from the vortex warping wore off, I came to notice that there appeared to be a scrawny armored scientist operating one of the monitors below me.

"Hey!  Are you my Googler?"

As I shouted I suddenly noticed that this "glass" dome didn't feel much like glass, as it buzzed and shook while I was pressed against it.

"Computer, disable Pop-up blocker."

The scientist motioned towards one of the monitors as he said it, and after a few moments, the large orange dome I was currently on top of, popped out of existence.

After regaining consciousness, I woke to find that I was in some sort of digitized prison cell, with glowing green lasers taking the place of bars.  A large red chair in front of my cell slowly spun around as the scientist formed a particularly devilish smile on his face when his chair spun enough to face me.

The Evil Dr. Zodiac

"Dr. Zodiac.....I should have guessed.."

I growled under my breath, glaring deep into my old enemy's swollen, old, evil eyes.

"It's good to see you too Mr. Shits.  How long has it been again?  A year?  Two years?"

Dr. Zodiac cackled as he spoke, his laugh somewhat resembling the sound a turkey might make after being decapitated.

"The name is Liveshitz and it's actually only been 3 months old chap.."

Dr. Zodiac's smile faded as he stood up from his chair.

"Enough of your tomfoolery Mr. Shitz!  It matters not how long ago since our last battle, what matters is that you're here now...and we have some catching up to do.."

"What is it you want from me Zodiac?"

"Oh nothing much....just my revenge is all. It may be hard to believe a genius like me would ever have trouble finding ways to make money, but after our last encounter, my online career selling tarantula meats was ruined.  So I just figured I would return the favor.  A little Twitter birdie told me that a certain Gentleman has his very own blog..."

"My Fancy Blog??  What have you done with it?"

"Nothing at all actually, but that's exactly the point.  People only read blogs when they are UPDATED.  When you don't update your blog, less people read it, and soon enough, NOBODY WILL.  You will be just another useless droplet in the ocean of blogs! Muahahahaha!"

As Dr. Zodiac laughed his vicious turkey laugh, I pulled at the glowing green lasers that imprisoned me, but to no effect.  My blog was going to die, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

To be Continued....

CyberSPACED!

As you may have noticed, my last blog post was somewhere around December 13th, making it a little over a month since my last adventure.  Admittedly, I was rather busy with the Holidays for most of December, and a small incident involving egg nog and a rather traumatized beagle led to much clean-up afterwards.

All that aside though, something far more interesting occurred during the past couple of weeks.  Something that not only kept me from posting on this lovely blog, but nearly resulted in my death.  This my friends, is my survival story.

Cyber Nique

It all began on that dark and dreary January night.  The wind was howling like an angry old cat, and the heavy thumping of the storm kept me awake in my secret cabin hidden in the forest.  Gorgo's computer had been shut off for days since the Christmas party incident, and stood on it's wooden desk, lifeless.  I stared at its blank screen as I shivered beneath my bear-skin blanket.  There it was, just taunting me with its lifeless expression, when suddenly a lightning bolt came crashing down through my window rather rudely and jump-started that smug little machine.  The humming sound was followed by the screen lighting back up, the words "Gorgo's Computer" adorning the blank blue start up screen. 

I leaped up and dashed over to the computer as I frantically typed in Gorgo's name, and then hovered the little black arrow to the section titled "enter password".  I quickly tried to recall what Gorgo set his password to, but the violent sound of the storm warned me I hadn't much time before the computer shut off again and all hopes of being able to update my blog from my log cabin would be forever lost.  I hurriedly typed in what I had presumed to be some sort of computer code.  "Enter, Alt, U".  The computer began humming loudly as it accepted my request, and then precisely two seconds later, a bright flash from the screen blinded me temporarily as I felt my body being tickled by what felt like a dozen black pointy computer arrows.

When my eyesight returned, I found myself in a place unlike any I've seen before, which is actually saying quite a lot for me, after all I've vacationed inside volcanoes before.  As I looked around me, I first noticed that the rain and wind had stopped, then I noticed that I was standing in a near-empty black void decorated with glowing blue grid-lines.  It was pretty obvious of course, as to what "Enter, Alt, U" really meant.  ENTER ALTERNATE UNIVERSE.  I suppose I couldn't really blame the computer for digitally transporting me into this strange cyberspace, as I was technically the one who requested it.

I looked around the empty black cyber void as I searched for some kind of way out, and eventually came across a large neon blue sign with flashing letters that read "WWW" beside a swirling vortex of digits and numbers.  Seeing as how there weren't too many other options glowing around me, I dove blindly into the World Wide Web, unaware that I was diving into my own personal hell.

After being violently coughed out of the receding end of the vortex, I found myself standing in a eerily blank white room, where a single, ever-smiling woman stood on a small square box in front of me. 

"Welcome to the internet, I'm Google and where would you like to go today?"

I was puzzled by the question, and took my cyber-hat off as I attempted a valid reply.

"Yes, well I'm sorry ma'am but I don't want to be going anywhere but home.  Any chance you can just beam me back into my dimension and we can call it a day?"

Her smile remained unchanging as she attempted to take in what I was requesting.

"Home.  Right away sir!  May I ask for your name and address so I can send you letters telling you what sort of things you should buy?"

"No I'll just go home thank you."

The white room suddenly starting flashing what was probably thousands upon thousands of pictures, mostly consisting of deformed children and cats in various degrading poses.  Eventually the flashing came to a stop as I found myself hurled into yet another empty room, although this time with considerably stranger people.  One blank-faced male man saw me upon my crash-landing and rushed up to me excitedly. 


"Hey there!  We're talking about the word 'HOME' in our Wiki, would you like to tell us interesting facts about homes?"

The man then promptly handed me what appeared to be a torn page from Webster's dictionary, with the word HOME highlighted, then followed by what appeared to be various definitions added in with a ballpoint pen, presumably the same one the man was currently handing to me.

"Add to it!"

It was at this point I realized that getting home was going to be a bit more difficult than I thought.

To be Continued...