Esophagus Afternoons

What could be better than spending a sunny afternoon nestled in the slimy warm esophagus of a lovely swamp alligator?  Hard to say, but from my experience, NOT being in an alligator's snack pipe would be a much more enjoyable way to spend an afternoon.

The lump inside is me. If he did this just to get my hat then I wouldn't blame him..

So yes, I spent my afternoon inside an alligator's mouth today.  Although it was not in my evening planner I can assure you that.

I had just set up my picnic umbrella near the fancy old pond in my mansion's Picnic Courtyard.  I hadn't visited the old pond since I was just a lad, so I figured it would be good for me to return to one of my childhood memories.  When I arrived however, things weren't quite how I remembered them.  The oval pond's water was murky and black, and the little statue angel that watched over the pond was no longer spouting water out of his cute little discolored pie-hole.  Nevertheless, I set up my Picnicking equipment and began crafting a rather festive turkey sandwich. 

I had just spread out a thick even layer of jam onto the bread when I heard a splashing sound.  I shifted my head to the source of the sound, and there it was.  Two glaring yellow eyes poking out from the murky black liquid like sadistic finger puppets, staring at my sandwich.  I turned my head away and pointed my nose into the air, the universal sign for "I don't need to deal with this."  Too bad for me the alligator wasn't getting the hint.

A thrust, snap, and swallow later, I found myself wedged into an uncomfortably tight spot, submerged partially in strange bodily fluids and nothing but the sound of heavy breathing to comfort me. Had I died at that moment would have been the ultimate irony, considering how it was nearly identical to my faint memories of what birth was like.  Of course irony can save itself for the weaker, because a man like me simply does not tolerate being devoured.

I had considered going out through the opposite end, but from the looks of it there wasn't much light at the end of that tunnel. Then I considered tickling the beast's throat with my mustache, but my mustache had become far too moist for that.  After an hour of brainstorming various escape plans and ways to kill the alligator from within, I noticed something a bit odd.  The alligator's heart beat had stopped!  But how?  Well, my fellow science-oriented friends, the answer would seem obvious had you paid any attention at all to the title of this post.  It can oftentimes be hard to breathe when you have something lodged in your esophagus , and lack of breathing generally leads to death.

So there you have it folks!  If you want to save the species of alligators or crocodiles or whatever it was, make sure you know the Heimlich!

-Cheers!