The Swimming Hole

Not one of my better wake-up calls.

While prancing around carelessly in my dreams last night, a sudden high pitched squealing sound, coming from outside my window, interrupted me from my slumber.  I lifted my feet out of the covers and ran to the other side of my kingdom-sized bed to take a look at whatever was making that hideous noise.  Pressing my face against the high quality glass to get a better look, the culprit was revealed.

A short stocky child, with a blue baseball cap wrapped tightly around his crimson-haired cranium and  his green eyes bursting full of tears, was standing there bawling with one foot stuck in my backyard swimming hole.  For those who don't know, my definition of a swimming hole is very different from most.  Whereas most people use the term to describe a small pool or lake that can be used to swim in, I use the term much more literally.  In other words, a swimming hole is an actual small hole in the ground that contains a small volume of water.  Many question my usage of the word "swimming" in this definition, but many also later question why I couldn't have punched them in the face instead.

As the stocky ginger boy tugged at his trapped leg, he opened his mouth and once again made the squealing pig noise that had woken me up in the first place.  At first I was simply going to activate the Swimming Hole security system installed in my mansion, (A massive drill that emerges from the hole) but then decided against it when I saw that the boy had passed out due to his inability to realize that screaming was not helping his little brat lungs gather air.

I trudged outside my bedroom and walked outside to tend to the boy.  I found him collapsed on the floor with his left foot driven like a steak into the hole, his mouth still open from all the squealing noises he was making earlier.  As I kneeled down on the grass and started to pull his foot out, a sudden quake in the ground below me caused me to lose my balance and I was thrust onto the floor violently.

"My word! What is transpiring?" I said as my buttox jiggled from the vibrating earth beneath me.

The Swimming Hole Creature in all its evil glory

Suddenly the crimson-haired boy sprung up like a snake, his eyes now glowing with a fiery green light.  Two green vines burst from the swimming hole and grasped him tightly as it lifted the wicked smiling boy into the air above me.  His gaze fell down on me as a croaky, yet deep voice boomed from his mouth.


"Your days of being a gentleman are over Liveshitzzzz......Tonight will be the last night you don that mustachhhhe...... tomorrow it shall be mine to rule..."

The leafy creature was quickly being consumed by more and more vines, until I could barely even recognize the boy that had once been a simple red-head.  I stood on my feet proudly and pointed a finger at the beast.

"I don't know what you are or who you are foul swimming hole beast, but I know one thing is for certain, you're no match for a pure-bred gentleman!  I'm referring to myself in case you didn't get it!"

The creature of the swimming hole smiled devilishly and whipped at me with its many vines.


"Diiiieeee....Shitz...."

"You'll have to try harder than that my fellow chum!"   I taunted him as I bounced around the backyard, occasionally swatting him with a former-gargoyle's broken arm.

I led the creature around the yard for around an hour, and then decided that enough was enough.

"You're getting rather boring to fight against my green friend, what say you and I end this now?"

"Diiiie..." 

"I was hoping you would say that!"

I snatched up a box of matches from my pocket and lit one of them as I smiled generously at the creature.

"I hope you enjoy your vegetables hot!"

I shouted out to the creature of the swimming hole as I threw the match its way.  A sudden burst of light was followed by the squealing sound I had heard that morning.  As the creature squealed it dissolved itself and climbed back into the swimming hole.

"Thissss isn't over Liveshitzzzzz!"  It shouted as it bubbled back into the water.

"Yes it is!"  I shouted back, turning on the Swimming Hole Security system and watching with guilty pleasure as various green juices sputtered out of the Swimming Hole.

So remember folks, never trust small children, as they're most likely just mutated plant-creatures in disguise.  Cheers!