This year's contest was decidedly held on the top of Mount Everest, as the harsh winds and temperatures immediately whittled down the competition to me and two other manly men: Gnarl the Viking Warrior, and Dewey the Redneck Trucker.
Every year the competitors must face three challenges, and the winner is determined by the manliest of the bunch. who is usually just the one man who survives all three challenges.
The first of these challenges is the STRENGTH test. Each competitor is required to lift an armored elephant over their heads, and remain still as the judge passes them by with a quail feather, tickling them with it's feathery tip as he sings a merry verse of "I've been working on the railroad". After the round began, and I lifted the elephant above my head quite eagerly, I noticed that Gnarl's elephant had apparently not been feeling well, and was starting to make disturbingly deep gurgling noises as he was being lifted above the viking's head. I took advantage of this, and started waving my elephant around in front of his, causing the beast to become rather disoriented.
When the judge came around with the quail feather, it took but on tickle before Gnarl's elephant couldn't take it anymore and let out a mighty belch. The sound threw Gnarl off, quite literally, as he lost his balance, and went tumbling down the mountain's side. Now it was just me and Dewey.
The second challenge was the SPEED test. In this round, each competitor would attempt to outrun a flaming Ostrich while nuclear missiles were being dropped from above. This round proved relatively simple for me, as I was able to not only outrun my Ostrich, but also pick it up and use it to smack one of the incoming missiles into Dewey's pudgy face, sending him hurling into oblivion.
The third challenge would normally be the SAUSAGE test, in which the remaining competitors would shove as much animal meat down their pie-holes as possible before exploding from over-filling in meats, but seeing as how I was the only remaining competitor, it was deemed rather pointless. Of course I never deny an opportunity for a good challenge, so after taking my well-deserved trophy, I shoved a whole cow down his throat just to show him what a good sport I was.
It was a good year for men this year, and I'm already eager to sign up for next year's contest, which I hear is going to be held in the Bermuda Triangle! Cheers everyone and feel free to congratulate me, I'll be signing autographs next Tuesday at the Meat Stand!
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