Mother Betty: Part 2

Read Part One if you haven't Already!  CLICKY HERE!

When we last left our fashionable hero Nique Liveshitz (Me), he was being pampered by orphan children when he was interrupted by the carnage of a giant pink tank titled "The Betty Boomer" piloted by the evil housewife, "Mother Betty".  Mother Betty sought to end womenfolk's rights, reducing all women to her image of a cooking, cleaning, female stereotype.  Our hero, after dazzling a group of young ladies with his wily charms, darted off to take care of this curly haired maid of evil....

Now to continue my story!

I stood watch on top of a nearby stop sign, on a street directly ahead of Betty's path of destruction. My manly pose not hindered by the likes of gravity.  The nearby birds must have been rather impressed with my amazing balancing abilities, as they flew off quickly to tell all their birdie friends about me.  Coincidentally, The Betty Boomer was also rolling down the street violently towards me during this time.

I held my hand up in a fierce gesture, and the other hand pointing down to the stop sign for extra effect.

"Stop right there Miss Betty!" I shouted in a brave and heroic tone.

The pink tank suddenly rolled to a stop, mere yards in front of me and my stop sign.  Her loyal followers of testosterone-filled thugs looked puzzled and stopped with her.  One follower, a construction worker of some sort, had an expression of disappointment on his face as his buddies told him to stop clubbing the fire hydrant and pay attention.

"Good!  Now that I have your attention, let me monologue for a bit about what it takes to be a woman.  You see, women are not just-"  BLAM!

My monologue was rudely interrupted as The Betty Boomer blew me into the nearest wall, reducing it into little else but a sandbox for kids who love debris.  The tank rolled on and the hooting and cheering once again continued.

"A real man is the working man!"  Betty shouted into her megaphone, causing an uproar in excitement from her followers.

I dug my way out of the debris play-pit, and rolled up my sleeves as I stomped towards the crowd, grabbing the now-smashed stop sign off the ground and bending it into a rather lovely makeshift mace.


"Alright then.." I muttered very dramatically. "We'll play it your way Miss Betty.."

I approached one of the construction workers and tapped him on the shoulder for comic effect, as the moment he turned to respond I smacked him with the sign so hard he flew back and knocked over several other workers in the process.

"Home Run!" I exclaimed, enjoying the pleasures of my own brilliant wit.

"That's not even a good sport reference!" Shouted a plumber as he came at me with a bit of pipe. I swung my stop sign again and was able to knock him into the broken window of a pet store, resulting in a lot of barking and hissing.
      The other workers soon followed, each coming at me with their own respective blunt weapon, making me wonder if anyone in this town had something that actually shoots bullets.

After clearing out the crowd of workers, and thus also badly denting my makeshift weapon, I was proven wrong about my idea of no one having a gun, as the tank's barrel was now pointed directly at me.

Betty opened the tank's hatch and poked her head out at me.  This was the first time I realized she had a marvelously repulsive looking face.  I mean I knew she was ugly, but I didn't imagine that would mean her face would look like a botched order of eggs, sunny-side down.  She scowled at me quite evil-like and spoke into her megaphone, despite me being a few feet away.

"Who are you?  Identify yourself at once, mustached male!" I could swear her saliva was being funneled through that megaphone.

"Nique Liveshitz is the name madame, a pure bred gentleman is who I am."

Her scowl turned to confusion for a moment, and then back to scowling.

"And why are you trying to stop me?  I am what every man wants!  I cook, I clean, I take sexist jokes about my breasts lightheartedly! I am only trying to make this world a better place for men!  Women don't belong in business!  Women belong in the kitchen!  Can't you see my vision?"  Her voice grew more tender as she spoke.

I smiled and chuckled like a schoolboy hearing his first fart joke. "Let me ask you Betty-"

"MOTHER Betty!"

"Pardon me- Mother Betty.....what did you want to be as a child?"

Betty first growled at me for asking such a bizarre question, but then began to tear up as she pondered the thought.  (By the way for you folks reading this, this is the part where I warm her up before going in for the kill, sneaky huh?)

"I...I always wanted to be an astronaut..."  Betty sniffled.  "But...Mother always told me that...that.."

Before she could finish her sentence I gave her a wallop with a nice sturdy block of concrete I had picked up during her monologue and sent her flying into the sky.  She was most likely unconscious at this point, or too far away to hear me, but still I decided it would be fitting to shout this out.

"Congratulations! Now you'll be the first woman on mars!"

Yeah I know, I'm quite the gentleman.  

FIN~